Dating Japanese Women

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Japanese women can be amazingly beautiful, and they can also be wonderful partners. At the same time, they can be stubborn, strong-willed and temperamental. Now let me give you some insights into their culture and some tips to help you navigate the tricky parts.

Understanding Japanese Women – Rules To Remember

When you’re hanging out with Japanese girls, Rule #1 is that you MUST be the decision-maker.

Japanese women expect their man to make the decisions. Western men, on the other hand, are constantly asking women for their opinion. Where do you want to eat? Do you feel like going out tonight? When will you be free to have dinner with me? Etc.

When you’re dealing with Japanese women, you’ve got to flip this. Lay out the plan. This is what she expects of the man in her life. Once you’ve spent time with her, she’s not going to silently go along with whatever you suggest every time. She has her opinions, too. But in the early stages, you’ve got to convey your confidence and masculinity by assuming the role of decision-maker.

When asking a Japanese girl out, be specific about the plans: the day of the week, the time, and the place where you want to bring her.


When the average guy tries to ask a girl out, it usually sounds something like this…

“If you’re not busy this weekend, maybe we could, um, hang out and do something…”

This will usually completely backfire with Japanese women. They are practical people. They want information that they can base their decision on. By trying to ask her out in that vague manner, all you’re doing is confusing her. Are you suggesting that you want to meet her on Saturday, or Sunday? In the daytime or in the evening? Where do you want to take her? How should she prepare and should she dress casually, or formally?

By asking her out in a vague, wishy-washy manner, you’re only going to confuse her and turn her off.

Japanese women usually won’t ask for the details, if you don’t provide them. They might nod their head and seem like they’re okay with what you’re suggesting—but if they’re not comfortable with your proposal, when you call them to try to make the plan they’ll back out or not answer their phone.

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Quick story: I once met an adorable Japanese girl in New York City and we seemed to hit it off. I got her phone number and told her I’d contact her. Well, I made the mistake of sending her text messages that she found confusing. (Stuff like, “Hi it’s Dean, are you available this weekend to meet?”) To my vague “date suggestions,” she gave vague replies. I couldn’t lock down a plan with her. Then she stopped replying altogether.

Eventually, I started meeting other Japanese girls and being more specific. My text would say: “Hi it’s Dean, I enjoyed meeting you. Would you like to have dinner together on Friday night? There is a sushi restaurant on 5th Avenue and 31rst street that you will really enjoy. We meet there at 7pm?”

To this type of message, I would always get a positive reply—because I made it easy on them. They knew exactly what this date was going to entail. They didn’t have to wonder about how they should dress, what time they should arrive, where I was going to bring her, etc.

I’ll give you some more specific tips on how to ask out Asian women shortly, but just remember that with Japanese women it’s especially important to be a leader and decision-maker. And even more important, you need to prove to her that she can trust your decisions.

This means that when you make plans with her, everything should go smoothly. You show up on time (I’ll talk more about the importance of punctuality in a moment), bring her to a place where she feels comfortable and relaxed, and treat her with kindness and care.

Japanese women can be very sensitive. If you embarrass or hurt her, you’ll lose her very quickly. She usually won’t even tell you why; she just won’t speak to you again.

When it’s time to get intimate, it’s also up to you to take the lead.

She won’t make the first move. But if you’ve gotten her attracted to you, when you do make the first move you may be pleasantly surprised at how eager she is for sex.

(A note on this: some Japanese girls can be “dead fish” in bed; they lay back and let you have your way with them. Chalk this up to the fact that Asian men, in general, aren’t too concerned with pleasing a woman in bed. They just want to handle their business. It might take a few sessions in bed together for you to get her to loosen up and enjoy herself.)

More Tips On Dating Beautiful Japanese Women…

Japanese women are not big on P.D.A.s (Public Displays of Affection).

She probably won’t want to hold hands, hug or kiss when you’re around other people. Unless she’s already shown you that she is comfortable with this, spare her the awkward feelings and save the physical stuff for you’re alone with her.

Being on time is very important.

Japan must be the most organized, efficient society in the world. Always be on time for your appointments with Japanese women. I’m talking right on the dot. Otherwise, they will assume they are not important to you, or that you’re not prepared.

There is no such thing as “fashionably late” in their culture. It’s not like in America, where women think nothing of showing up to meet you 15 or 20 minutes late—or if you’re going to someone’s house, you might arrive a bit late out of politeness, to give your host extra time to prepare.

When you walk around Japan, you will see how obsessed they are with punctuality. Train and bus departure times, TV show listings, and other events are scheduled right down to the exact minute. When you ask a Japanese person for the time, they won’t round off the number and say “seven-thirty”—they’ll tell you it’s 7:27. And in Japan, if you arrive even one minute late for work, you’ll need to fill out a “Late Form” that gets submitted to the boss.

As long as you arrive on time for your meetings and dates with Japanese women, everything should be fine. They’re not uptight people. But they do put a lot of importance on punctuality. (Which I appreciate. I consider my time to valuable, as you should, and it annoys me the way Western women will casually show up for a date 20 minutes late, like it’s no big deal to keep you waiting.)

You’ve also got to practice excellent personal hygiene and be well-groomed.

Japanese women believe in the expression “cleanliness is next to Godliness.” One thing I love about Japanese women is that they always look immaculate when they go out in public: their hair, makeup, nails and outfits are always neatly put together, even if they’re just going out to run errands. Western women, on the other hand, will think nothing of going out to shop wearing a baggy sweat-shirt and a baseball cap.

This means that you should always look presentable when you are with Japanese women. You don’t need to go overboard and show up wearing a suit and tie, but at least wear a collared shirt, pants, and a pair of dress shoes, not sneakers.

Other Important Factors In Japanese Women Culture…

Always convey to Japanese women that you are an organized guy who has his act together.

You’re not going to score any points by behaving like you don’t know what you want out of life. They don’t understand the concept of “slackers” or “finding your purpose in life.” Talk about your goals and ambitions. Be a man with a game plan.

Your home should reflect the fact that you are a clean, orderly person.

Never invite a Japanese woman into your home (or any female, for that matter) unless it’s extremely clean. Especially your bathrooms. Women will almost always ask to use your bathroom to “freshen up.” Few things will gross them out more than a dirty bathroom. You should also have some plush bath towels and hand towels hanging up in there, and a scented candle.

A few final things to know about Japanese girls:

Here are some other aspects of Japanese women culture which you should be aware of. They might not seem like they have a direct bearing on your attempts to date Japanese women, but you should know these things. They will help you to better understand Japanese females—and some of these principles also apply to women from the other “developed” Asian countries as well. (This includes China and Korea.)

Japanese society is based on conformity.

A popular expression in Japan is, “The nail that sticks up gets hammered down.” In other words, people who don’t conform to the “correct” standards of society—whether it’s the way they dress, the grades they get at school, or how they perform at work—will face a lot of pressure and social difficulties. Sure, Japan has its share of rebels, but the vast majority of the people spend their lives doing what they can to fit in and go with the status quo.

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When students in Japan enter junior high school (or even elementary school), they are required to wear their school’s uniform. Coloring your hair is forbidden, as is wearing earrings, jewelry and makeup. These rules loosen up when a young person enters college. This is their time to be free and “find themselves.” But once they graduate college and enter the work force, the need to conform is stronger than ever.

And so, when you’re interacting with a Japanese woman, don’t ever make fun of the “conformist” nature of her society, or try to convince her to “go against the grain” and do what she wants with her life, regardless of what her friends and family might think. This won’t score you any points. Although you might think Japan is a society of like-minded robots, afraid to think for themselves, it’s also the reason why it is such a highly developed country with a high level of social harmony.

Unlike in the Western world, you don’t see a lot of anxious, depressed people in Japan. By going along with the flow and doing what is expected of them, Japanese people feel a sense of purpose and contentment.

Japanese women are generally looking to get married and play the “wife” role.

In Japan, women don’t start seriously dating (or sleeping with different guys) until college. Due to the strict nature of Japanese parents, they simply don’t get the chance to. Once they’re in college, however, a lot of girls enter into a period of liberation and experimentation. (You can have a lot of fun with Japanese college girls, if you have access to them.)

Once they graduate from college and enter the workplace, the outlook of most Japanese women is that they will work until they get married. Then, they will settle into their domestic duties—managing the household and raising the kids. Most women will quit their jobs as soon as they find a husband, or after they become pregnant.

Although women have gained more rights over the years, the workplace in Japan is still very much a “man’s world.” Men generally believe that women are suited for basic desk work and not much else. There are few opportunities for women to advance in their careers, and if they were to climb the corporate ladder, the Japanese men in the company would feel threatened and not want to take orders from them.

For these reasons, even though there certainly are Japanese women who would like to have big-time careers, it’s just not worth it for them to try to buck the system. Plus, they see the brutally long hours that the men have to work. A regular employee is going to put in a 50 or 60-hour work week, easily, and that doesn’t include all of the “drinking meetings” they go to afterwards with their coworkers and boss.

As a Japanese man, you can’t bow out of these after-work boozing sessions if you want to get ahead in the company. If a woman were to attend these sessions, she would probably be demeaned and harassed by her drunken male co-workers.

So the women figure, why bother with all that crap? They’re looking to land a good husband as soon as possible. After marriage, some women will work part-time jobs in fields that interest them. But trying to advance through the corporate ranks is incredibly difficult for them, if not impossible.

Japanese society is filled with rituals.

In Japan, there is a proper way to have a funeral, to drink tea, to eat, and even a “correct” way to cheer at a baseball game or dance to a certain pop song. The popular songs in Japan have their own specific dance steps, and when you’re out at a bar, you’ll see that Japanese people know them all. When in Japan, learn these customs and routines and women will appreciate it.

The Japanese have certain “rules” about making eye contact.

Japanese people who share the same social status, or are friends or family members, will look at each other. But when a Japanese person is talking to someone who has a higher social status, the polite thing for them to do is avert their eyes.

I have an American friend who teaches English to Japanese students, and at first he was confused and weirded out by the fact that his students would not look at him directly. Only the rebellious kids would look him in the eye when they spoke to him, which is considered rude and disrespectful. (Ironically, he interpreted it the opposite way; he thought these were the good kids because they were “respecting” him by looking him in the eye when he talked to them.)

When it comes to Japanese women, if they avoid eye contact with you don’t take it as a bad sign. This is one of the ways that they show their attraction to you. Just remember, Japanese people are generally not used to a lot of eye contact, so when you’re in the “getting to know you” stage with a girl, don’t try to maintain constant eye contact with her. You should look down and look away at times.

Japanese people are very concerned about being polite and not “ruffling any feathers,” so sometimes it’s hard to get a straight answer from them.

As foreigners, when we ask someone a question, we expect a direct, truthful response. When we are angry or irritated by something, we tend to confront it and try to sort out the problem. Japanese women, however, never want to be rude or offensive. They can be frustratingly vague, unwilling to give you a “yes” or “no” answer out of fear that they will offend you. So instead, they’ll tell you what they think you want to hear, or say nothing at all.

For example, you might ask a Japanese woman who you’ve been dating, “are we going to be exclusive with each other, or do you want to be able to see other people?”

Here, you might get the “shy eyes”—she’ll look slightly down and away, and maybe give a slight tilt or nod of her head. This is a sign that she understands the question, but she is too shy to answer you.

Is she is smiling a little, then you can assume that she likes you and she’s hoping to be with you exclusively, but she’s embarrassed to admit her feelings. If she’s not smiling, then chances are she doesn’t want to be your girlfriend, but she doesn’t want to say so because it will hurt your feelings.

beautiful japanese womenJust remember that in the Western world, we tend to confront problems and make our emotions obvious. Japanese people tend to shy away. I had a beautiful Japanese girlfriend for three years when I was living in New York City, and because I was young and had no understanding of Japanese culture, this became a constant source of problems. My girlfriend would get into one of her “bad moods” and not want to talk to me, and I would respond by getting upset and demanding to know what she was pissed off about. This would only cause her to retreat further into her shell.

There were times when she wouldn’t talk to me for a couple of days, and wouldn’t even tell me why she was angry—because by being confrontational, I was only embarrassing her and making her retreat deeper into her shell.

You can draw these answers and feelings out of Japanese women, but be patient and gentle about it. And if you spend enough time with them, you will begin to understand what they are feeling simply by observing their body language. Then, you’ll already know the answers without having to ask questions.

Japanese Women Have A “Ticking Clock”

In Japan, women are considered “old” by the age of 30. It doesn’t matter that modern medical technology enables women to have children well into their 40s. In Japanese society, there remains a very negative stigma for women who are in their 30s and still unmarried.

If you’re looking for a serious girlfriend or wife, the best age group to target are Japanese women in their late 20s. Chances are, they are hunting for a suitable man—and they’re going to judge you by your “marriage potential,” rather than by your looks or anything else.

Here is something else that is important to know: to Japanese women, marriage isn’t necessarily about finding “true love,” or fulfilling your romantic destiny, or having the big, expensive fairy-tale wedding (which has become absurdly important for American women). It’s more about two people who like each other deciding to make a commitment to each other and going through life together.

This doesn’t sound as romantic as the Western ideal of marriage, where it’s all about “true love” and “soulmates”—but then again, around 60% of marriages in the Western world fall apart. Lust doesn’t last. Japanese people know this, and approach it in a more practical way.

For Japanese women in their late 20s, dating becomes a serious pursuit. They might ask you questions during a date that makes it feel like a job interview. Don’t get freaked out by it. She’s trying to determine whether you can financially support a family in the future; if you are loving and protective with your own family; and if you have the potential to be a good husband and father.

If you’re dating a Japanese woman in this age range, she’s sizing you up in terms of your husband/father potential—and if she’s still hanging around with you after a few dates, it’s because she thinks you have this potential. If she decides that you don’t, she is likely to break off the relationship with no explanation.

Like I said, these are practical people who don’t show a lot of emotion. While an American woman might give you some dramatic breakup speech and say “maybe it’s better if we’re just friends…it’s not you, it’s me…blah blah…”, a Japanese woman will simply stop returning your phone calls.

That being said, if you’re not seeking a wife, be wary of Japanese women who are desperate to land a husband. If she’s talking about her desire to get married and have kids on the first date—and some of them will—then my advice is to not lead her on, and be honest. Tell her you’re not in a hurry to be in a serious relationship; where you come from, these things take time to develop.

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If she’s a “husband hunter,” this will be her cue to move on to another prospect. Or, she might be open to having a relationship with you that is purely based on sex. Women have these needs, too!

In Japan, It Isn’t “Ladies First”

One custom that is hard for Western men to give up is the common practice
of “ladies first.” We open doors for women, because we consider it to be chivalrous. In Japan, however, doing this only pegs you as a stereotypical foreigner.

In Japan, men always open the door and enter first. It is the “Samurai
Way”—the man takes the lead, and his woman follows behind. While this may strike you as chauvinistic, there’s actually a pretty cool explanation for it. Centuries ago, in the feudal days of samurais, a man would never let his woman enter the room first because there could be danger on the other side of the door. So to this day, by passing through the door first, the man is “scouting ahead” to make sure it is safe for his lady to enter.

The belief still persists in Japan that women are the “weaker sex” and need to be protected. The women want you to go first, because it shows your concern for their well-being. Of course, nowadays, it isn’t because of any concern for her physical safety—but the custom remains. You are acting as her “protector.”

Keep this in mind when you are with Japanese women. The little things you do as her protector—showing her that you care about her well-being—are significant to her.

Adultery is culturally accepted (to a certain degree).

The general attitude of Japanese women towards cheating is that it’s inevitable for men to screw around. They don’t like it, but it’s simply “something that men do.” The prostitution scene in Japan (and throughout Asia) is huge and vast, and often it’s not sleazy like in the Western world. Japanese husbands who want to release some sexual tension don’t need to pick up a crackhead hooker on a street corner. There are endless high-end “hostess bars,” “massage parlors,” and “love hotels” (hotels that rent rooms by the hour) where they can pay for a quick sexual release with a clean, sexy young woman.

The belief among Japanese wives is that as long as they don’t find out about it, then it’s basically okay for their husband to cheat—because it’s part of being a man. But they insist on two things: that they never find out about it, and that their husband doesn’t financially support another woman (since this would divert resources that are supposed to go towards her and their kids).

But a hard-working husband spending a hundred bucks for a quick bang at the love hotel, after a drinking session with his co-workers? This is no big deal, again, as long as he hides it from his wife. “Don’t ask, don’t tell” is the policy.

This is the case in other Asian countries as well. In China, the first wives are fully aware that their husbands have second and even third families in Schenzen and Guandong. It is okay and not discussed. The big rule is that the needs of the first family come first; that’s where the money goes. The Chinese culture is much older than ours, and they realize they can’t fight the power of biology.

This is shocking to Americans, but when you’ve traveled as much as I have, you’ll find that in many cultures—not just in Asia—cheating isn’t considered some terrible sin. In countries such as France, it is believed that the occasional secret love affair helps men keep their marriages together.

Social Groups

When you’re hanging out with a girl in the Western world, it’s expected for you to introduce her to any friends or colleagues of yours that you encounter. For example, if you’re at a bar with your girlfriend and some friends of yours come over to say hello, you will naturally introduce your girlfriend to them, and make her feel like she is part of the conversation. You certainly wouldn’t turn your back on your girlfriend, start chatting with your buddies, and ignore her!

With Asian women, it’s different. You’ll notice that sometimes when you’re out with an Asian girl, she may start talking to other Asians without introducing you to them. Don’t take offense; it’s just another one of those quirky cultural differences.

This is especially true in Japanese society, which is extremely “group oriented.” A girl has her different social groups—friends, family and co-workers—and these groups are not expected to blend. You are not expected to become a part of her groups. The opposite holds true, also; she does not expect to become part of your groups. If you were to introduce her to some of your co-workers, she’d probably stay silent (unless asked a question) and wait for you to finish spending time with this group of yours.

In other words, it’s common for your Japanese girlfriend to have two “social lives”: the one with you, and the one she shares with her groups. When your girlfriend is invited to a social function or a company party, she may not invite you to go. This isn’t because she doesn’t want you around. It’s because in Japanese society, it would be awkward for everyone for an uninvited guest to show up.

So, don’t react negatively if you don’t get an invite. Wish her a good time. (And if you’re like me, you’ll have a number of girls to spend your time with. If one is busy with a social or work-related function tonight, I go and have a good time with another one!)


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