The stereotypical Japanese woman is soft-spoken, timid and subservient. Her main priority is serving and pleasing her man.
OK, that’s the stereotype. Now let’s talk about reality. The “soft spoken” part is true—when you’re in public with her. The “subservient” part is highly exaggerated. It’s not in a Japanese woman’s nature to confront or debate with you in public—they would find this deeply embarrassing—but behind closed doors, you will certainly know it if your Japanese girlfriend is upset about something.
(The frustrating part is, it can take a while to get her to tell you why she’s upset. Their favorite tactic when they’re angry is the “silent treatment”; they will simply stop speaking to you and won’t look you in the eye.)
Japanese women can be wonderful partners; they can also be stubborn, strong-willed and temperamental. Now let me give you some insights into their culture and some tips to help you navigate the tricky parts.
Be the decision-maker.
Japanese women expect their man to make the decisions. Western men, on the other hand, are constantly asking women for their opinion. Where do you want to eat? Do you feel like going out tonight? When will you be free to have dinner with me? Etc.
When you’re dealing with Japanese women, you’ve got to flip this. Lay out the plan. This is what she expects of the man in her life. Once you’ve spent time with her, she’s not going to silently go along with whatever you suggest every time. She has her opinions, too. But in the early stages, you’ve got to convey your confidence and masculinity by assuming the role of decision-maker.
When asking a Japanese girl out, be specific about the plans: the day of the week, the time, and the place where you want to bring her.
When the average guy tries to ask a girl out, it usually sounds something like this…
“If you’re not busy this weekend, maybe we could, um, hang out and do something…”
This will usually completely backfire with Japanese women. They are practical people. They want information that they can base their decision on. By trying to ask her out in that vague manner, all you’re doing is confusing her. Are you suggesting that you want to meet her on Saturday, or Sunday? In the daytime or in the evening? Where do you want to take her? How should she prepare and should she dress casually, or formally?
By asking her out in a vague, wishy-washy manner, you’re only going to confuse her and turn her off.
Japanese women usually won’t ask for the details, if you don’t provide them. They might nod their head and seem like they’re okay with what you’re suggesting—but if they’re not comfortable with your proposal, when you call them to try to make the plan they’ll back out or not answer their phone.
Quick story: I once met an adorable Japanese girl in New York City and we seemed to hit it off. I got her phone number and told her I’d contact her. Well, I made the mistake of sending her text messages that she found confusing. (Stuff like, “Hi it’s Dean, are you available this weekend to meet?”) To my vague “date suggestions,” she gave vague replies. I couldn’t lock down a plan with her. Then she stopped replying altogether.
Eventually, I started meeting and dating Japanese women and being more specific. My text would say: “Hi it’s Dean, I enjoyed meeting you. Would you like to have dinner together on Friday night? There is a sushi restaurant on 5th Avenue and 31rst street that you will really enjoy. We meet there at 7pm?”
To this type of message, I would always get a positive reply—because I made it easy on them. They knew exactly what this date was going to entail. They didn’t have to wonder about how they should dress, what time they should arrive, where I was going to bring her, etc.
I’ll give you some more specific tips on how to ask out Asian women shortly, but just remember that with Japanese women it’s especially important to be a leader and decision-maker. And even more important, you need to prove to her that she can trust your decisions.
This means that when you make plans with her, everything should go smoothly. You show up on time (I’ll talk more about the importance of punctuality in a moment), bring her to a place where she feels comfortable and relaxed, and treat her with kindness and care.
Japanese women can be very sensitive. If you embarrass or hurt her, you’ll lose her very quickly. She usually won’t even tell you why; she just won’t speak to you again.
When it’s time to get intimate, it’s also up to you to take the lead.
She won’t make the first move. But if you’ve gotten her attracted to you, when you do make the first move you may be pleasantly surprised at how eager she is for sex.
(A note on this: some sexy Japanese girls can be “dead fish” in bed; they lay back and let you have your way with them. Chalk this up to the fact that Asian men, in general, aren’t too concerned with pleasing a woman in bed. They just want to handle their business. It might take a few sessions in bed together for you to get her to loosen up and enjoy herself.)
Japanese women are not big on P.D.A.s (Public Displays of Affection).
She probably won’t want to hold hands, hug or kiss when you’re around other people. Unless she’s already shown you that she is comfortable with this, spare her the awkward feelings and save the physical stuff for you’re alone with her.
Being on time is very important.
Japan must be the most organized, efficient society in the world. Always be on time for your appointments with Japanese women. I’m talking right on the dot. Otherwise, they will assume they are not important to you, or that you’re not prepared.
There is no such thing as “fashionably late” in their culture. It’s not like in America, where women think nothing of showing up to meet you 15 or 20 minutes late—or if you’re going to someone’s house, you might arrive a bit late out of politeness, to give your host extra time to prepare.
When you walk around Japan, you will see how obsessed they are with punctuality. Train and bus departure times, TV show listings, and other events are scheduled right down to the exact minute. When you ask a Japanese person for the time, they won’t round off the number and say “seven-thirty”—they’ll tell you it’s 7:27. And in Japan, if you arrive even one minute late for work, you’ll need to fill out a “Late Form” that gets submitted to the boss.
As long as you arrive on time for your meetings and dates with Japanese women, everything should be fine. They’re not uptight people. But they do put a lot of importance on punctuality. (Which I appreciate. I consider my time to valuable, as you should, and it annoys me the way Western women will casually show up for a date 20 minutes late, like it’s no big deal to keep you waiting.)
You’ve also got to practice excellent personal hygiene and be well-groomed.
Japanese women believe in the expression “cleanliness is next to Godliness.” One thing I love about Japanese women is that they always look immaculate when they go out in public: their hair, makeup, nails and outfits are always neatly put together, even if they’re just going out to run errands. Western women, on the other hand, will think nothing of going out to shop wearing a baggy sweat-shirt and a baseball cap.
This means that you should always look presentable when you are with Japanese women. You don’t need to go overboard and show up wearing a suit and tie, but at least wear a collared shirt, pants, and a pair of dress shoes, not sneakers.
Always convey to Japanese women that you are an organized guy who has his act together.
You’re not going to score any points by behaving like you don’t know what you want out of life. They don’t understand the concept of “slackers” or “finding your purpose in life.” Talk about your goals and ambitions. Be a man with a game plan.
Your home should reflect the fact that you are a clean, orderly person.
Never invite a Japanese woman into your home (or any female, for that matter) unless it’s extremely clean. Especially your bathrooms. Women will almost always ask to use your bathroom to “freshen up.” Few things will gross them out more than a dirty bathroom. You should also have some plush bath towels and hand towels hanging up in there, and a scented candle.